Making the world safe, one woman at a time...
How I went from
almost being
Strangled To Death, to knowing what to do to protect myself and how to
have great relationships!
Hi!
This is Eldra. :)
Let me
tell you a little of my story.
Hopefully
the bad situation I'm about to describe
was worse than anything
you'll ever have to face in your life. Or maybe you've already been
through worse.
It
was situation that almost left me dead.
Before
we go any
further, I need to tell you a story. (I'm going to highlight
parts for all you skimming readers out there.)
It’s
not easy to
share this with you, but you need to understand…
I
had been the kind of person who thought nothing like this would ever
happen to me, in fact I spoke in very
derogatory ways about other women who got themselves into these messes!
I
ended up with a
very dangerous guy for a boyfriend.
Sadly,
I know this
situation is not unusual....
He
was a scary guy
who when I met I didn't even want to be with, though
I did feel some weird, repulisive attraction. He lived with some
friends of mine,
and I ended up spending a lot of time with him.
One thing led to another and soon we were
"together."
That's when things got really bad.
He was vicious. He
was bipolar, and was a tweeker (doing meth), and he
was manipulative and controlling.
Oh ya', and he was
wanted in four states, but looking preppy and
totally
not like someone I would imagine having been in prison.
He was a psychic
vampire. (It's funny cause I actually coined this term
on my own before ever hearing of it anywhere else!)
He sucked all my
energy and will away, and I was just a shell of the person I once was.
And even when I saw that he was
manipulating me and didn't like it, I
didn't know how to follow my own urges any more or how to get out.
It was tragic,
sad and depressing (and very melodramatic of course).
Then one night
after we had "broken up" ( I was still as hooked as ever
really.), I was trying to talk things out with him so he would take me
back.
I stood in his
way, in front of the door, and he
went into a rage. He
grabbed me by my wind pipe and proceeded to crush it.
I couldn't breath.
I was dying. I didn't know what to do. I looked
around the room for someone to intervene ( the room was full of
sh#%*heads all drugged up), but they all sat there and watched as if it
were simply a fascinating movie.
No one helped me.
I was alone and
knew I would be dead any second and had no idea what to
do.
If I struck him
without stopping him it would just enrage him
further, and he would
certaintly beat me to death.
I didn't know what
to do to make him stop.
I looked in his
face once more, and something in his eyes changed.
I looked at me
angrily and then let go.
I don't know why
he did. I always tell people I think it's because he
realize that there was a whole room full of people who could testify
against him ( not bloody likely they would remember anything really,
but
you never know).
The truth is I
have no idea why he let go. But I'm glad he did.
Because now I can
assist other women to never be in that type of
situation and in their recovery from it.
Then the next
night he came to my house begging me to run away with
him to another state. And I was going to go! Talk about co-dependance!
Anyway, some
people intervened. My uncle actually (smart man) suggested I take a
little vacation.
I left the state
to visit my grandma, and had some major revelations,
got a bit of myself back. And started to see some things about
being
with him that made me not want to be there again.
I was actually pregnant, though I ended up miscarrying, and that gave
me a different perspective.
I realized that I would never want my child around him. It would be too
scary, and he would be too dangerous for me to even want him to know
there was a child at all.
But even with that, it took a long time
to really get
over him and not ever want
to
be
with him again.
I learned a
lot about myself in my journey to become whole again.
- I researched self help info -- found some
really good stuff (which I offer here),
- quit my job working for the psychotherapist I
was working for so I myself could get the kind of therapy they offered
(which was holding therapy. It was very powerful and very beneficial to
me!),
- And had to move back in with my parents
(which totally sucked. They didn't trust or like me very much at that
point.)
- And stayed alone a lot and did a lot of soul
searching and crying.
It was a difficult
journey but strangely enough it didn't seem too hard at times.
I was very busy
doing the hard work of healing.
I was simply
commited to making my life whole.
I was willing to
do what it took (not have my life back, because
that's what got me into that place anyway) to create a new life for
myself.
A
whole life... where I was really me.
Not
some idea of
what people thought I was supposed to be.
I gained a lot of
wisdom.
And
my life is
sooo different from what it was back then! It is very good!
I
finally figured
out some of what it takes to have
healthy relationships, and have been
with my husband for 7 years!
I
am upfront with
people (no more passive-ness stuff anymore!). If
I have a problem I say it, and resolve it.
I
have learned how
to be free of melodrama.
I used to be addicted to
it and didn't even realize it!
It's very liberating to not be in all those kinds of messes
anymore!
I have more time and energy to just play around and have fun!
I've
learned how to protect myself.
Finally! That one was the hardest
one to figure out some straight answers about!
How can
there be soo much misinformation about one thing?! But I did find the
good stuff, and I've looked everywhere! I studied 4
different martial arts, and this info far surpasses any of that.
And most
importantly, I learned how to love
myself, and really feel my
worth and value.
Think about it for
a minute....
Me
a total loser who
was depressed,
lost, suicidal, and cutting myself, with a nasty guy for a
boyfriend...
To someone with
plenty of self love, who has a long term marriage to
a gentle, strong, and
supportive guy, and I am empowered to assist other women to have better
in
their
lives as
well!
A photo of my husband
and I river rafting! :)
Through
my own traumas of sexual abuse
and domestic violence, and
through my extensive reaserch of warrior women, and self
protection, relationships, health and healing....
I am here to share my best resources with
you.
Here is my step by
step map for people coming out of domestic violence...
1.
You must get out
safely. (See step 2 as that is part of this also.)
Sometimes getting out is the hardest part. Especially if you are in a
place without family or friends, or if he has physical control of you.
For example you have no car, no money, he never let you make friends,
etc.
Or if your family and friends don't really believe he is that horrible
because he has them all believing he's a great guy.
And of course it's 100% more difficult when you have children.
And when you are in the emotional
turmoil of trauma and drama it gets hard to think clearly or to even
know if you have options.
So here are some broken down, easy, step by step instructions lined out
in these books of what you need to get out.
Some very few examples are things like: get your own bank account lined
up, an emergency cell phone your abuser can't turn off, legal
documents, proof gathering, etc.
These are books by Susan Murphy-Milano. She
has helped hundreds of women get out of domestic violence. She has so
much experience that she knows what a lot of women need right away.
Free basic articles
Abuse types and
Having a plan
High Danger Indicators
Internet Safety from Abusers
and Stalkers
Get
her books for the best details on creating your personal plan.
The
prices on these change frequently so don't be afraid to click the link
and dig around for one you can afford. And remember to have it shipped
to a friends house that you trust to keep your secret of getting
out.
2. You must learn how to protect
yourself so that you are not ruled by fear!
After you have been abused and beaten like that -- especially if it has
gone on for years and years and years --
you start to be afraid all the time. It is just as automatic as
breathing to you now.
But you will never be happy while
living in fear. I can tell you that from years of it.
After I was finally not with my phsyco boyfriend any more, he stalked
me. He intimidated me just by hovering around, which of course was his
intention.
And even after he really and truely left me alone, which took a while,
I was still pretty untrusting of people's motives after that.
I was always worried about dating, because what if the guy seemed fine
but then was violent? I wouldn't know how to protect myself, and I didn't know if I would survive another
encounter like that.
And what if the guy didn't even wait to be in a relationship to hurt
me, for example, date rape!!!
3.
You must change the
patterns that got you into this messy, dangerous relationship in the
first place. To do that you can go to therapy and it can be very
beneficial.
But I'll tell you the "secret" book that
helped me even more than therapy did.
This is a book that my therapist pulled out one day. I had never heard
of the author -- even though she has her own relationship talk show.
She is really popular where she is well known, but the state I was in
no one had ever heard of her really.
The writer is Barbara DeAngelis, and the Book is: Are You the One for
me.
The
prices on these change frequently so don't be afraid to click the link
and dig around for one you can afford. And remember to have it shipped
to a friends house that you trust to keep your secret of getting
out.
If you actually do the very simple and sometimes downright funny
excercises she has in this book,
I
guarantee your life will change for the better.
This is the book
that helped me change my patterns enough to finally find an emotionally
stable, calm, patient guy to be with.
Any of her books will be
of immense use to you in figuring out the whole relationship
thing that we all have so many problems with. I have collected them all
I think. :)
Here are some of her
other wonderful titles...
If
you are being stalked, check back soon for our new section that is
coming on how to
make it hard for someone to find and/or follow you.
If you have not been in domestic violence, or know someone who is, or
want to help prevent
it
pass on these resources.
They will save lives.
Or simply order your favorite product from
Amazon...
