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The Emotional Roller Coaster of Abusive Relationships

Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle.

Such abuse often goes unseen. Even the victim does not recognize that s/he is being abused. Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more damaging to your self-esteem. Emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul. Physical or sexual abuse is usually accompanied by and often follows emotional abuse, for example, emotional battering is used to wear the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine her self-concept until she is willing to take responsibility for her abuser's actions and behavior towards her and simply accept it.

There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed by others.

Isolation

The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where she goes, whom she speaks to and what she does. This may mean not allowing her to use the phone, or have her friends and family visit. He may make it difficult to do any of the above by being in a bad mood because she left some housework undone or some other excuse. He may make her feel guilty that she was out enjoying herself while he worked. He may even encourage her - theoretically - to make friends, and then discount them or complain that she cares more for her friends/family/hobby than she does him. He may accuse her of neglecting him. Some abusers may insist that the family move frequently to prevent their victim from building a social support network. Abusers slowly chip away with their victim’s existing relationships with family and friends.

Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate his victim to feel secure himself. They feel as though any relationship, be it family, friend or colleague, will undermine their authority and take their partner away from them. Relationships with others pose a threat to the control the abuser has over the victim. The effect of this isolation is that the victim feels very alone in her struggle, doesn't have anyone with whom to do a 'reality check', and is ultimately more dependent on the abuser for all her social needs.

Forms of Isolation include:

Checking up on you when you’re out running simple errands
Accusing you of sleeping around
Moving you away from friends and family
Limiting your access to a car or phone
Making your friends or family feel uncomfortable when they call or visit so they will slowly stop contacting you
Punishing you by complaining, bad moods, criticism or physical abuse
Not allowing you to leave the house on your own. Always wanting to go with you
Demanding a report on your actions and conversations on a daily basis
Preventing you from leaving the home and working any kind of job
Not allowing any activity which does not include him
Finding fault with your friends/family
If you are allowed to work-insisting on taking you to and from work
In extreme cases the victim may be reduced to episodes of literally becoming a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied basic necessities, such as warmth, food, toilet or washing facilities.

Verbal Abuse

When we think of Verbal Abuse we tend to think of an abuser yelling out insulting names at the victim, and while this does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling. The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (for example, you've got a mind like a porch step, you're stupid, crazy, etc.), he may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (perhaps who you think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.

Verbal abuse can include:

Yelling or shouting at you
Purposely doing something to annoy you
Blaming you for his failures or for the abuse itself
Making threats
Insulting you or your family
Being sarcastic about or criticizing your interests, opinions or beliefs
Humiliating you either in private or in public
Sneering, growling, name-calling
Withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
Refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
Laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
Leaving nasty messages on your cell phone or at home
Accusing you of unfaithfulness, or not trying hard enough

All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults.They prohibit a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.

The Importance in Creating A Safety Plan

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is important that you have a game plan.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to get out but do not have a clue as to how to begin, please carefully read through the suggestions below.

If you are a friend, relative or even a co-worker, please print the information. Make sure that person knows that you care you will support them whatever they decide to do.

First, you have to understand that no one deserves to be abused. If you are a victim, for years you have had to adjust your behavior in order to reduce the violence. If you talk back, or disagree with the person you already understand the heavy price paid when "you do not follow orders or do what you are told".

Through the years you have denied or minimized the abuse. Now you may feel helpless, you're in too deep and you may feel there is no way out. But you must understand, you can get help and get out safely with a plan.

Before you begin it is very important that you be the best actress you can. It is important not to "tip your hand" and let your abuser know that you are leaving. It is dangerous to discuss any plans of ending the relationship with that individual. You must not provoke any conflict or argument once you have begun the process of leaving. If you do, you take the chance of being harmed with bodily injury. Never confront the person abusing you with the fact that it is over. You may want to. Because you feel strong and empowered and want to inform the abuser and let them know you're ending the relationship, but the consequences to your actions or reactions will play a key role in your safety.

You have endured so much. You may be tired, and feel as though you just don't have the strength or the resources to leave, but you do. If you have lived, day in and day out, with a controlling manipulative individual, leaving will be difficult for you at the beginning. You have been brainwashed to feel as though you are worthless, no good to anyone. Well, reverse that thought! You are with that person so you can't be "worthless", now can you?

Domestic violence has destroyed your confidence to grow as a human being, to try new things, to develop talents. It is a toxin that has effected every aspect of your life. Now it is time for you to remove the toxin within your being.

LEAVING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Consider these points carefully and develop your plan. Enlist the help of trusted friends and relatives. Be very careful who you talk to, as friends and relatives may downplay the abuse or let your abuser know that you are thinking about leaving. Try to find someone who your abuser doesn't know.

It's important to allow yourself enough time when preparing to leave an abusive relationship, especially if you're married and have children.

Its also a good idea once you begin your plan, not to make calls from your home. Call from a pay phone, friends, relatives, or from your place of employment.

Remember DO NOT use your home computer.

Do not use your cell phone (if your abuser is on the account).

Drafting a plan of action.

Start to gather important items and copies of important papers.

Birth certificates (for you and the children). Make sure you have certified copies.

Social Security cards

Marriage certificate

Insurance policies

Credit Cards- If you can, contact each company and ask for new cards to be issued in your name. Don't use these cards until you are safe and out of the residence. For safety reasons, have the new card sent to a friend, relative or your place of employment. If you leave with one good credit card with a new number issued in your name, that is all you will need.

Record all bank account numbers (including any in your children's names), 401 K plans, IRA, and credit union account numbers and information.

Make copies of your income tax returns from the past three years.

Make copies of all titles or property information including major appliance manuals and guarantees

Try to get copies of a couple of your spouse's pay stubs.

Make copies or record the numbers of stocks, savings bonds, etc.

Get copies of Medical and Dental Records. Have the office send them to a safe location or pick them up.

Children's school records.

Passports for you and the children.

Prescriptions for any medications you and the children take (if possible, stock up)

Spare keys to the house, garage, car, safety deposit box, etc.

If you wear prescription glasses or a hearing aid device, get an extra set made and keep them with your important documents.

Title to the car.

Contact the credit bureau and request a copy of your credit report. Remember to send a letter. If you need an example, email me at contact@movingoutmovingon.com and I'll email you one that you can use.

Place passwords on utilities, credit cards, and other accounts so that only you, have access into these accounts so they can't be disconnected or changed.

Try to save money and open a bank account in your name. Just before your ready to leave, withdraw as much money as you can (this should be done on the day you're preparing to leave, because as money is withdrawn, it will be reflected on the account balance either on that day or the following day. You don't want to take chances, especially if an emergency arises and your partner must suddenly use the ATM card or withdraw monies and discover the account balance has changed. Use whatever cash advance you have available to open up an individual interest bearing account.

If possible, take your home computer with you on the day you leave. If you are unable to take the computer, remove all data, addresses, and take the disks. If you are unsure how to do this please ask someone who you trust to assist you. If you run a computer home-based business, change all your passwords, change your screen name, and change your Internet service provider and don't insert personal information into any online directories.

Secure a private post office box. Either have someone you trust do this in their name on your behalf (someone that your partner wouldn't suspect or know) or go to a private company like Mailboxes, etc., rather than a post office. Whenever possible use suite or apartment numbers instead of using the words post office box. Make changes for your bills, bank accounts, etc., by mail. Try not to fill out a change of address with your postal service.

Get an unpublished/unlisted telephone number.

When preparing to move, ask someone you trust to rent a place in their name on your behalf.

When hiring a moving company, use a small company. If you need to use a large company, have them move your items to a storage unit that has been secured in another persons name, then contact a small local moving company to move them for you.

Orders of Protection

If you have received an Order of Protection from the courts and you're preparing to move, contact your local police department. Explain that you have a court order and you're requesting they send an officer to your home while you are moving.

If you don't have an Order of Protection, now is a good time to try to get one. If you are still unsure, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to someone in your area to assist you.

HOW DOES A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ORDER OFFER PROTECTION?

An order of protection is a court order that provides protection for victims of domestic abuse. A person can obtain an order of protection on an emergency basis when there is a likelihood of harm or injury by the abuser.

Typically, an emergency order of protection is obtained after a recent incident has occurred and a police report has been made. The incident allows a victim to petition the courts, with the assistance of a states attorney or county prosecutor, who works on your behalf without charge, for an emergency order of protection or temporary restraining order (it varies in each state).

A judge hears your case, without the presence of the abuser. The judge makes a decision regarding the facts of your case, and may grant a temporary emergency order of protection for a maximum of 21 days. Then the abuser is served, by a sheriff or police officer, with the order prohibiting contact with the victim for a 21-day period.

A court date is set for the abuser to appear before the judge. Both parties return on the scheduled date. You will be represented by the state and the abuser either by a private attorney or a public defender. The judge, based on the information, decides to set a hearing date. Your order of protection will usually be continued until the outcome of the case.

Once you have the order, continue to report all incidents that occur to the police and document them. If there is further abuse, contact the county prosecutor's office or state's attorney and file an update.

If you receive medical treatment for any injuries sustained, make sure you get a copy of your medical treatment report and take pictures.

Do not initiate any further contact with the abuser!

Always keep a copy of your order with you at all times. Make extra copies for your car, employer, etc.

For support, shelter, or additional information contact: Your local State's Attorney or Prosecutor's Office, the Attorney General's Office, your local battered women's shelter and/or counseling center, the local Bar Association. Telephone numbers for the above are listed in your local phone book. Visit your local library for information on the laws and resources available in your state.

WHO IS PROTECTED UNDER THE ORDER OF PROTECTION? Spouse, Former Spouse, Parent, Children, Stepchild, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Engaged parties, Persons related by blood or marriage, sharing or formally sharing a common dwelling, Persons who have a child in common, or Sharing a blood relationship through a child.

WHAT IS A CIVIL ORDER OF PROTECTION? The procedure for a civil order of protection varies from state to state. Any local or state women's organization, lawyer, or state's attorney will be happy to explain the procedures in your area. When you petition for a civil order of protection, usually no criminal charges have been filed against the alleged abuser. Many seek this type of order when they file for divorce. It is still important to obtain pictures for evidence and witnesses for your case. The order is effective for the same length of time as a criminal order of protection and it is issued by a judge.

Please go to this link that will direct you to the resources you need to begin.

National Domestic violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE

Hearing Impaired : TDD- 1-800-787-3224

Just How Safe Is Your Home?

It is not a good feeling when the home you live in does not feel safe and secure. I always think about the time I first watched the movie home alone, the child in the movie whose parents were away and he was left behind to deal with the neighborhood burglars. What does he do? He nails the windows shut and then nails up the windows ledges with the sharp side up, puts cans by the doors, rigs up a cardboard cut out of human by the window so the would be intruders who think someone was home. Today, is a bit easier and less costly to secure your home than you might think. As the cost to replace those items damaged or stolen are a lot more expensive. And there is the price to your piece of mind, along with your life, both are priceless.

First, take a walk around where you live. It Does not matter if it is a house or a rental. Do all the windows have some light around them or a motion sensor that comes on after dusk? What about the doors? Do they have lights? If not, why not? How about contacting your electric company. You know the people you pay your light bill each month to and ask if they have halogen lights. This is a low cost alternative and the halogen lights cover a larger area and are energy efficient. Why not after you read this, head on over to your power companies web site for tips and ideas.

Now your doors. Do they have chain locks or deadbolts? Check the front, back, side and basement doors. If you do not have deadbolt locks on the doors, what are you waiting for?

A chain of any type is an easy and tempting access for any unwanted intruder. All they have to do is kick the door open and they are in your home. Don't know anyone who could do this without charging you outrageous rates? Contact a church in your area, even if your not a member and ask them to recommend someone who they know is trustworthy to do the job for you.

The same applies if you have ended a relationship, change those locks, immediately! And do a walk around your home. Remove any ladders, make sure the garage is locked, put away any tools. And yes, even rearrange your living space.

What about your windows and sliding glass doors? Get yourself over to the hardware store and find the best cost effective method to bars and locks for these areas.

Don't have a dog? Go ahead and buy or make a Dog Beware sign and put it in your windows.

Another great tip is to record the sound of a barking dog. If you don't have a dog, take a recorder and head to the nearest dog shelter and tape the barking sounds. Go ahead and even record your phone voice and message right there on the spot, at the dog shelter. Say something like" Okay Sparky, I'm on the phone, that's enough, be quiet, sorry can't come to the phone please leave a message .Then head home and play it into your phone message system. Then strangers and others you are trying to keep away will think you have dogs and that may deter them. You can also play a recoding each time you answer your telephone with just the sounds of a barking dog. What about a basic home security system? This goes hand in hand with the other security solutions above. To learn more about systems here is an alarm link:

http://www.homeimprovementmag.com/Articles/2006/06May_safe_@_home.html

If you keep a spare key outside someplace-stop it now! Never leave a key anywhere outside your home.

If you are not expecting anyone or anything to arrive at your door, do not open the door. If the bell continues to ring waiting for you to answer the door and you do not know who it is, call 911.

And never, ever leave any type of note on your door or mail box for anyone. Either text message them, send an email or do it the old fashioned way and call them.

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